‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Season 2, Episode 13

Do Mormons Watch Advent? How about Mormons 2.0 or whatever VIDA.0 Barlow’s? Or how about the Pentecostal church at Cosby & Closet? Because lately, I feel like this TV show is a detailed advent calendar. Not 99 cents milk chocolate tycoon mode, but like fancy whore Bon Maman with all the combinations of exotic flavors. In every episode, I think I know what’s on the menu, and every time I step out after six hours as a new expert on the Vail rental market, mandatory minimums, or Gucci’s cues of authenticity, or for that increasingly unsound metaphor, Mirabell Peach . It’s the gift that keeps on giving, even if it’s not necessarily what I want.

Which explains how in the middle of everyone in Utah digging out information from an elephant epic, I skipped an impression of Lisa Whitney, and asked her grandfather Mary if she was a “brown girl?” Jenny lost it to Meredith’s PI-on-retainer. All of that was thrown aside so I could spend the next 43 minutes searching for Justin Rose’s shirt. And oh, it was a wild ride. I don’t have the space (or time to verify the facts properly), so I encourage you all to search “Is LifeVantage…” on Google and let Autofill take the wheel from there.

RING RING RING Lisa and Heather receive phone calls from unknown numbers. Do they ask someone to turn their microphones off and the offspring away? No, they are acting normal and not guilty of federal crimes, and they check the call (Lisa) and ask who she is (Heather). No one was surprised (except maybe legal professionals who don’t work Housewives), it’s Jennifer Shah. I neeeeeeed To watch the scenes where she advises Jane to pull the plug on her Bravo necklace. You know there are one or five lawyers who have explicitly told Mrs. Shah that no, it doesn’t matter if you go to a D-List steakhouse or if the furs are borrowed or if you wear “tiny brown baby 4″ heels” or if you cry from dryness Eye until the optic nerves are dusty – photography is now a bad idea! And yet! Heather is the only one who picks up the phone without questions (um, there should have been questions), so Jane ran to peek at some artichokes and gossip about her criminal charges.

Jane gives a detailed breakdown of the arrest that’s probably a little louder than Kristen Quinn’s birth story on reality TV. Bravo has the audacity to show those damned snapshots of Omar once again and that’s enough. I don’t know who handed over the Ring cam archives or who keeps editing them but please stop. Showing the atrocities of the police system in this country through the prism of a black baby Jane is not the empathy you think! Absolutely disgusting. Anyway, Jane insists that Stu is not her business partner and expects to hear a “big bitch ‘I’m sorry, I’m a dirty piece’ from Lisa and Meredith when they are ‘proven’.” OK

Back at Rose’s house, Whitney was on some princesses and pea shit, except for instead of a mattress, it’s made up of 78 layers of Iris + Beau swag. Everything is meaningless. If you have just exhausted your savings and set up a million dollar loan for more rebranding stuff, you should get the branding structure right. It was sunset time for the old brand and the start of the Wild Rose reinvention at least six episodes ago. Whitney says she’s really bad with money and Justin is afraid because he’s “going” and doesn’t want them to be in trouble. Like death gone or prison ponzi scheme gone? Either way, some real ominous things, and I hope for their children’s sake, Whitney isn’t a lady too close to the sun here.

A quick break for business info at Nice & Neat Homes®! Mary decided to prove her innocence of everything the cult leader by highlighting its scope hoarders den. She says most people have a family to relate to, but for the past 20 years, she’s been attached to the pretty things in her wardrobe. According to Cosby’s logic, it’s not about mo ‘money = mo’ problems, but mo ‘money = mo’ things = bigger heart. I promised myself not to cite any scriptures out of context this week, so feel free to enter your favorite verse about altruism or generosity here.

At the horse girl sanctuary, Lisa and Meredith run around and somehow make us watch the photoshoot of Fresh Wolf again. I want to believe it’s part of Barlow’s elaborate scheme, but while the girls try to reassure us time and time again, Lisa doesn’t have the energy – or the brains – to achieve that level of complicity. Somehow, Meredith ends up talking about how bad energy there is in their group dynamic and blaming everyone, including herself. She is not wrong! The power is off significantly. Like yes, I could have dispensed with Marie’s straightforward tactics for manipulation and any flavor of police content, but could anyone watch this show if it wasn’t the Bravo’s most bizarre train wreck? Lisa manages to bring this up about how all the other girls are obsessed with her. It turns out that just about everyone in Utah was able to quit the sleep-assist recipe they chose in favor of Barlows’ account jumping over the Diet Coke Big Gulps line. Good for them!

Jenny takes Carlin to sample a Vietnamese tasting menu who plans to crush the conflict between the ladies. My fingers are still crossed that Jenny would earn that salary by supervising this meal because so far we’ve seen so much potential and less anxiety than even Angie and her dramatic nonsense in early season catering. What a simpler time! Jane and the coach sit down too (with Popeye – have you tried the reworked macaroni and cheese yet!?) and Jane does a big poor job on her “friends” who haven’t shown her. The coach seems to be in pain as he manages not to make a single eye roll while also convincing Jane that his faith won’t falter and he won’t leave. Jane says she “doesn’t understand why this happened”. Is “this” caught here or…

To double (triple? quadruple? I lost count of this episode) on the blues, we head to Whitney’s producer photoshoot at home. As an alternative to confusing the audience, Jenny quickly does the math and realizes (1) everything Iris + Beau and Wild Rose still isn’t showing up anywhere, and (2) a bouquet of flowers, white paper, and some local $20,000 IG influencers. Unless Hiram Yarbrough and Richard Avedon’s ghost are hiding in Whitney’s room with some free services and a Sephora deal, I’d probably agree that this hyaluronic hydration setting is doomed to the same fate as Tru Renewal by Ramona Singer.

Business is damned, and Whitney still presents her as a general factor in the chaos. I got Cameron’s phone number from Angie Harrington, and they talked for three hours. Will you tell us what he said? of course not! Whitney decided to go straight to Lisa about it because Marie is “bigger and worse than we’ve ever realized” and Lisa will…what exactly is she doing? She claims it will make everyone in survivorAn alliance styled to confront Mary, but what’s the real Whitney endgame here? Lisa’s eternal love and approval? general acquittal? Experience in recruiting some new Huns for the Rose Empire?

I have no idea, but I’ll see you next week for Lisapalooza! Barlow appears to have plans to seize wings with Jane, defame Whitney, and possibly even destroy her relationship with Meredith. Oh, too! I almost forgot. On Saturday, Jen tried to dismiss the fraud case due to the Hulu documentary and failed. The clown show continues!

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